What is it that I am looking for exactly?
I wish to stop itching and improve my health, I wish to see my parents not feel so concerned regarding my health. I wish to understand the stresses of man so that I can relieve them for myself, I believe this will bring forth a wonderful journey. I guess I’m already on the journey.
I wish to go entertain others, I wish to go on long adventures and settle into a life surrounded by a bunch of orphan kids running around and having fun.
……… “WHAT ABOUT THE KILLERS?” ……
It needs to be delocalised, I need to be able to travel around and spread the truth amongst the children. No.
I wish to be loved by a woman.
I wish to know the Truth about religions. No
Words seem unnecessary for describing the life I desire, I know the life I desire and it depends too much on the future outcomes of Earth, I’m interested in internal eternal peace and bliss. It seems better than the other stuff. To be okay with everything.
What am I not okay with right now?
Waking up in pain
My parents relationship with me
My cousins not revering me
Not being perfect amongst my friends
The fact that women don’t love me
Not knowing the truth about religions.
WHY THE LAST ONE?! — WHAT WILL YOU DO ONCE YOU KNOW?
I don’t know, I just hate that there’s all these things to do and all these things that can go wrong. I want to be right. I have to be the one who is right. I can’t bare to be the man who isn’t right. To risk being in eternal hell is too frightening to me.
But none of that seems to make life worth living. I could open a restaurant and just cruise on by till I die, but there’s a yearning in me for something, to piss someone off.
I’m afraid of forcing a relationship just to fit in and go along with the crowd. But I’m afraid I should not be in a relationship, I’d rather play it be ear. But to act as if as I’m confident that I can hold my shit together right now is a complete lie.
I could live out the innocent life, just take the hits as they go. I could just do as I wish in the moment without any forethought and just roll it out. This manoeuvre makes me feel bad as I can not honestly commit myself to a person long term.
Ibn’ Battutu had a bunch of divorces, I could just bone my way through life, I just can’t risk the other women having their lives be tared apart. Simplicity, to find peace in simplicity, to settle down into a routine. Then I hear the drums of the wars around me.
The best thing that I can do is create art for the world to see, so that the unique individuals who are in pain can my works and find some peace. Be refreshed as they face death. Not to help them, but let the spirits make art through me. TO let the art work go through existence and do as it wishes.
As I joyfully work through life in simplicity, to be in the country somewhere, in a little store helping people go on adventures, making my art as I retreat away to return a new. This sounds fun, to fall in love with a particular piece of land. This I can see me allowing myself to be married, I can stay here for a while, I can travel and explore here for a while, there I can fall in love. There I can sit with confidence in raising children, in enduring misery, to live out beautifully in a piece of land. To make it my home.
What do I want?
I wish to have a piece land come to me as I go through life and capture me entirely, I wish to see it’s beautiful mountain face every day, I wish to have a family of rombuxious kids. To sit in my land and die into it. And here the whispers creep in, what about the afterlife? What about this life? Is there anything in existence that is as engaging as my interest of the afterlife? Is there anything that can capture me right now rather than tales of wizards of the world to come. Is there a lion out there that can completely capture me? Or is my curiosity forever in the dark recesses of life. Will I be forever obsessed with secret books and tickling my mind? To go from crazy to crazy to crazy to crazy to crazy to crazy to crazy, obsessed with destroying my idea of reality, is this my destiny?
I have heard some absolutely nuts stuff about reality, I have seen a million seas and have been told stories of a million different monsters in each. I yearn to keep seeing more, the joy of seeing a new beast is what entices me.
I like my life as it is, I have a level of comfort I enjoy, I’d like to expand my life in the direction it has been going in, yes there have been many issues, yet the ease I have experienced of many things makes me feel very nice.
I was told to find an innocent wife, I was told that I should have a wife that can calm me down, this life seems too perfect to me. The only way I could find a quiet wife perfect is if my life outside of my home was perfect. The mercenary life, the life of a mercenary, to come home to my wife, to see the horrors of life, to write through these pains, to provide genuine counselling.
Even this exciting life seems disappointing, to see it before it happens. It seems rude to carry on my life with so many unknowns, to have my family so invested in me and to leave it open to such risks, to leave them in anxiety.
To sit in the hills and write the truth. To truly have the bravery to say the most utterly outlandish and genuine truths. To say that which is on the absolute tip of my mind which will destroy the lives of others if they were so inclined. To analyse and empty or to find that which is truly pure, this life kind of excites me. To see my excitement and hesitation on a matter, to see the matter and perfectly and purely separate that in me. To tare apart as many things as I can. To have the conflicts in me and to destroy them. To feel them, and to have them cleaned out throughout me. To see this cleaning occur effortlessly, to begin to type and see the truth be bloomed before me, to be excited to not know what truth will be seen today, to see an adventure unfold.
When I am free I wish to roam the hills? When I feel stress I wish to return to my desk and write it out through me? This is the life I want for me.