Tonight my aunty’s sister came to me telling me she has been locked in her house for 40 years and that my grandads brother, her father, has beat her to the point of bleeding.
I knew this to be the case, but have only just seen her eyes with my own eyes now. She was crazy.
Everybody in my family knows this to be true. We are an incestuous hell hole, refusing to see the truth.
I am flawed, I am of the system, my mind is constantly playing games. It is a hell hole.
However, there is one man, who has decided to tell me the truth. Kapil Gupta. The genuine truth.
That I, a human being, is capable of being at peace if I have given up on the world and am ready to admit the genuine truth.
I do not need Sophie to be happy. Any attempt to do so will bring me hell.
I do not need anything from anybody in my family. Nothing good can from any of it.
I do not need any religion, to show me, a human being the truth.
There is nothing worthwhile to a long shit life. Living on for my parents will kill them and me. Living the truth will set us both free. It is theirs and my only hope. That I do not entertain anyone’s horseshit and sincerely know the truth.
The truth about helping others.
That trapped woman can only be brought into my world. A hell hole. She maybe in dire hell there, but outside her locked doors is a shit hole known as real life. She is not unfortunate and fortunate to know of the shit show that lies before her. Where men and women kill themselves for each other because they know nothing else.
We feed ourselves the most disgusting poisons and laugh and smile our way through it because that is our conditioning. Disgusting animals in ties claiming to be free.
The truth is, she like all of us is dreaming of an outside which does not exist.
The truth is, that nature does not care, nature is fine with all of it.
The truth is, nature does not care about you and it does not care about me. It does not care for our prayers and it does not care about you and me.
We are the universe on the time edge of its self expression. Everyone’s pain and everyone suffering is meaningless. There is no great end.
The only thing making me feel bad about that woman is the desperate need to believe that I have something. But the truth is just like her I have nothing at all. Every smile I have is bullshit.
Every time I have tried to smile at the moon and be the perfect person, I have infact been a lying hypocrite pretending to be what I thought was right. It was all bullshit, every time I message seb it’d just a desperate evil desire to shit on somebody who can achieve it. Achieve greatness. I am simply in his way.
Seb is a man of greatness. He is perfect. He has a deep intuition for the truth that I hated. Seb is greatness.
Raaj, James, Chiara, Charles and I. And everyone else are gifted. Especially Vinay. Yet in wishing to break our backs to the society which makes us. We lost it. We lost the truth, to feed our desperation. Seb didn’t.
I most of all have tried to abuse every sacred thing the universe has put before me and tried to rug and tug it into feeding my every selfish desire. From a great grand father, to a great mosque, a great school, great friends, great degree, great parents, great father, great brother. The universe has provided me every opportunity in the world to bow down to it.
And I now only pretend to do so, so that I can heal my skin and get back to all the dumb shit.
The universe has given me everything I need to manifest greatness. And in saying that I have lost it.
Failure again.
The only means of seeing the truth is exposure. If I desire perfection I have to be honest about what I expose myself to. For even the slightest flicker could burn everything for years to come and I know this. Yes there is a chance that it could work itself out. Yet I know it won’t yet because I tried then this means I’m alright. Bullshit. I am sickness. Making anything beautiful in the world my puppet to feed my poison to.
The truth is, the world is perfect as it is and I am desperately trying to change things, to keep me at the top. The truth is I am a worthless piece of shit. Bring shit down on everybody around me. Even this self loathing is just another continuation of the shit.
My duty is to leave and spend some time far far away from everybody.
The best thing that I can do, is to spend some time far far away from everybody I know and purify myself.
There must be a complete devotion to the truth. A complete devotion to eradicating my falsehoods.
When I do this, there cannot be anything to hold me back. I must be honest about everything. There cannot be any desire, any possible paper which could be set ablaze in a moment of impulse and come back to end the experiment.
I must be totally free. I must burn all my bridges and completely remove any possibility of coming back. All parties must understand. Sophie, mama and papa. I must be honest with them, I must have no desire for them to do anything. My job is to let nature take me in the right direction. It shall do all that it needs to do. I have no idea in my head that could possibly ever take me to the place that is right for this. Only nature can guide the winds of nature to their correct and rightful place. It is not my job to be happy or to be excited. Nature can only be understood, not accepted, I can only be shown, it can only ever happen naturally and sincerely like Ive known to be true since I was a baby.
This life is entirely in god’s hands and I have been fighting it. I must accept the true impartial nature of allah and trust him to wipe away all that is hellish from the face of this earth like he did for Noah. That is the truth. I must accept my fate and Destiny.
There is nothing at all for me to do. Yet I shall do and to think anything of it will bring me hell.
Life is too serious to not be genuinely and sincerely honest about it. No excitement or thrill makes up for the sheer destitute pain that is reality. I must be honest about it.
Any shred of pride over becoming the chosen one is fuel for the devil to take it all apart and destroy it. There can be no fodder at all, only then can nature use me.
There can be no sense of self at all.
There cannot be I am dedicating myself, there cannot be a I am planning to do this. There cannot be a I will do this so that there can be help. There cannot be any sense of I what so ever.
There cannot be any sense that I am allowing anything to happen. This can only come through exposure. There can never be a I must expose myself for there is no possible way my mind can ever bring itself to the right place consciously. There cannot be a I must let nature take its course because this is meaningless. There can only be exposure to the truth. There cannot be a I will expose myself to the truth. This can never work.
There can only be exposure. Nothing else. There cannot be a I am listening to Kapil Gupta, there cannot be a he is my master. There cannot be a I will not listen to Kapil Gupta. There cannot be a single sense of I ever. The truth must be seen, the natural desire to do so must come about as it wishes. There cannot be a waiting for it. There cannot be a sense of expectation. One must let go in an instant with 0 hesitation.
The truth about helping other people.
The truth is I can only ever help those who are truly sincere. And to even attempt to explain anything to anybody who isn’t sincere will be to hollow myself out because I will change the truth to attempt to meet them at their level. And this can only ever break them. I can only pray that my mum forgets everything that I have said, for I have set her, Sarah and anybody else on a path to self destruction. I have set them on fire with no tools or guidance to stop them. There will be hell to pay for this pride. Yet I must also accept that this was their fate. And mine my own. This was the wish of Allah and this must be understood. An attempt to reason this is to miss the point.
The truth is, that the truth can only ever be understood by someone on their own who is commited. Any half assed attempt or misguidance will bring torment. Just look at me.
The truth is something to be feared for those on the wrong side of it means burning down all that they hold dear. It should be terrifying.
The truth is there’s nothing I can say or do that’s outside of Allah’s will power and Destiny. There’s no one who can be saved who does not wish to be and even then I must be certain. For any egoic intention from anybody could mean the end of the world. Yet even if this were to occur, it would occur by the hands of Destiny.