“I wish to pursue a life of Truth”
I wish to pursue a life of truth, what bold words. I have a past of intrigue, I denied my family’s religion as it did not ring true, I wanted to chase beautiful white girls instead, I preferred to see the wonderful and open world of seeing all these beautiful women in the carnival, yet even this has large notes of misery, even this is empty.
There’s an emptiness to all the wonderful images and sounds to reality, they seem unsatisfying. The joy of creating and exploring, the joy of being free, the joy effortlessly feeling whole. This right now feels like the place to be.
So I write the truth. “I”. The words come to my mind, the idea is whole within me and my fingers begin to type away. Notions, ideas, feelings and pictures come with in me. I’m imagining captain levy sat on a chair in the dark side of the bar. He holds 2 thin daggers and violence in the bar is coming to him. He sits there with no anxiety, he gets up and begins his assault to masterfully kill or injure precisely who he wishes. He finishes and he moves on. The unplanned precision is his beauty. This freedom is what I wish for. I have become stressed out. And now I wish to write away effortlessly to destroy all these beasts in my mind.
Am I smart enough to truly do this? Will I be able to do this effortlessly? Maths at uni was hard for me, is it my nature to run away to the hills and find my peace, in my honesty, is my duty to see the hills and be blessed by nature to solution to my problems. I have been writing for 4 years and I have not had too much success. Nothing I have written has inspired me. Although I write effortlessly I do not feel as though I am hitting the notes perfectly. I have tried music and creativity and where I do have fun, I do not seem to quite hit the notes that I desire. My mind says I will eventually get better and figure it out.
What if there is no need for me to do this? What if the only truth I need to understand is that the human mind is given the truth when he himself is out of the way. And where is it that I lose myself. It is waking up on holiday with friends knowing that there is somewhere unknown to be. To go on an adventure around others.
To do it alone is not for me. Maybe it is as I explore the hills and visit the places that no one else wishes to be, maybe this is where I lose myself as it is naturally me and this is where I am blessed with the heights of human intelligence and clarity, it is here that I see the solution to my problems.
To go where others do not wish to be in front of them that is what is meaningful to me… This does not mean risk per se, it just means the smile I have when I see a land with no indication of anything worthwhile but I trust it anyway. When I trust a land? Not with the intention that “probably” something good will come. But to know with absolute certainty that to turn off my mind and explore this hill with absolute faith that this alone is enough to be given something absolutely stunning. Doubt. I should be able to do this everywhere.
Blind trust. That I don’t need anything. I am afraid of sitting here in silence, so I breath. There is a beast around me. There will be beasts in the places no one wishes to be.