A new Beginning
Here a life goes on, it goes through the stories and tales which it has been through, another life upon another story, his life commences, he finds himself in a new spot, he is stuck, he is not where he expects to be, he wishes for something else, yet he is not able to get there, he fears he will be stuck here for the rest of his life, he fears it will take so long that ….
Now he’s worrying that in fact he’ll just get out of it with no fuss, that this has been a time in his life and all the pain his loved ones endured around his pain was for nothing, that in this misery he has gone through this journey and that’s it, there’s no great epic story to come tell the masses which will make him the great hero, …
Now he’s just not entertained by the notion that people will see him as heroic, now he’s just lost, he sees the cold Nordic hills before the winter, rays of sunshine left over from the weeks before, the wind blows, the winter howls before it comes, he sits there are the breeze blows, unsatisfied, the Vikings would gather here in a circle and embark on a great adventure, yet amongst them, I assume, many too were just pathetic, or maybe they were all great, good and strong men, maybe every Indian prior to their genocide was perfect.
Yet the Aztec's remain, yet Japan’s long history remains, yet my idea of the crusades remains, yet the fall of Rome remains, yet the fall of America pertaining to this idea, remains, yet Pakistan lies still, I, a man, see the Earth, I see the many stories that she has embarked upon, I hear the tales of soothe sayers, I recall the tales of religion, I see the faces of the priests and the monks and the followers to shout with such intensity, and look at you, like we must take this seriously, I see their fear of the troubles outside the home.
I feel the words of the Indian men who claim eternal peace in letting go of fear, who claim that in accepting that a lion may take you out at any point and there is nothing unjustified with it, then this man may glide through reality in absolute bliss and peace, he is not burdened with the unknowns of existence, for in his experience, there is not even a ‘he’ to have a life, the experience he goes through is one of complete symbiosis, as the desert dries he dries, as the swamps moisten he becomes moist, as the lion hunts he hunts, as the monkey scowls he scowls, as the gorillas pois he is poised, as man moves he moves and as the Sun comes and goes, he too understands that he too will come and go.
It is the very idea that there is nothing, that terrifies man, the very idea that he will not be able to get more of this that shakes him, for he is forced to do a million acts which he does not wish to do with the limited life he has, so he is terrified, he does not see himself ever just doing what he wants, for he does not know the glory of living as you wish, he does not know how living in bliss, complete, perfect, eternal bliss for a short while, he does not see that this does not compare to a long life of averages, the life of averages makes me sick, I cannot bare it, I accept a life of simplicity but I cannot continue to live on amongst folks who just sell their soul in order to go with the flow and get the occasional berry, no. I wish for more, I wish for the plains of Africa, I wish to wake with drums in my heart, I wish to hear the drums.
Now I fear that I will become infatuated and arrogant, I will impregnate and disappoint and force a woman to experience the pain of losing her child, a pain which is not so necessary in this era, yet I then too become confused, is this the key to God’s glory, must I like Abraham be willing to lose everything in order to have God’s grace, is there even a me who can do anything. Can I really live a life of nil, 0, responsibility, “what happened is what happened and it was always meant to be, what I did was what I did and there was nothing else to do, the risks I took were inevitable and they had nothing to do with me.” Can a father really say this? Can I really say this?
Can I really be in the hospital and be glad for the passing of my son? My daughter fair enough, but my Son. His potential, all my desires to bring forth is fire.