I wanted a good job that I was proud of to make my parents proud and now I’m done. I’ve done it, I no longer really care about making other people really really proud, I keep them from being really annoyed now, that’s all, their great pride in the short term isn’t really too big a deal for me or at least, manufacturing their pride in the short isn’t too big a deal for me, maybe.
Everyone talks about how happy my dad was when I got this job, it breaks my heart that it no longer makes me happy and that what I will do won’t make him happy, I’m sad that he’s sad and he’s sad that I’m sad but I know we’ll both get over it and I know both know that caring about the other is a silly excuse to not do what I really want, he’s happy with me doing what I really want, so is my mum I think, or maybe what makes them naturally happy is what will make me naturally happy also, on a DNA level, maybe.
All this sounds like horseshit to be honest, another fly to hold on to, I don’t really believe much of it, I do a little and I’d like to explore it, but really I just need to have a chat with them, not a planned chat, just a chat, and chat with them, not just at them :(
So why won’t I sit down and chat with them, I do just want them to talk to me, that’s all I want, I just want my mum to sit down and talk to me and listen to me, I just want us all to talk to each other, that’s all man, and everything else was just a distraction. 3 days I’ve been at home man, I wonder if this time will be any different, I know it will be and that isn’t me hyping anything up, it just will be. There’s a lot of heartbreak here on both sides, a lot of reality to accept, and everyone knows they’ll be better off I think, I dunno, the penis outfit was pretty wild man, can’t believe I forgot it but I wonder how much it’ll save us, imagine, imagine the penis outfit being the secret saviour and killer of us all, imagine.
The process is the process what occurs is nature, can I be content with the awkwardness, can I be content with all the holding in, can I be content with the posturing, can I be content with the fear, with the sadness, with the judgement, with the anxiety, the lies, the hurt, the confusion, can I be content with it all as it is, with the silliness and the seriousness of it all, am I content with not being content, content with the failure, content with it all, content with the crying, content with the others, content with it all, content with the mistakes, content with the embarrassment, content with it all, am I truly content with the ocean, am I content with the efforts and drives in place, am I content at all, content to hurt, content to be a fool, content with the hugs, content with the kisses, content with the food, content with the money, content with the sleep, content with the clothes, content with being on time, can I be content with any of it. Content with new people, content with old people, content with commitments, content with giving up, can I be content with it all, am I content without the books, content without the flex, content with out the hair, content without the looks, can I be content with any of it, content without the girls, content without the hate, content with the joy, content with the fear, content with the anxiety, content with it all, can I be content with the suit, can I be content without the suit, can I be content with the work, can I be content without it all, can I be content being still, can I be content with the desire to discipline, can I be content with the desire to let go, can I be content with the jealousy, can I be content with the inspiration, can I be content with it all, can I be content letting the writing go, can I be content it never paying off, can I be content being told I’m a failure and that I should give up, can I be content thinking I’m not good enough, can I be content thinking I am good enough, can I be content. Fuck :).