Am I trying to be an auditor by lying down here in bed?
Am I trying to be an auditor by avoiding all this work?
Am I trying to be an auditor by imagining myself fighting and rebelling against work so much?
Am I trying to be an auditor by sorting out my mind?
Am I trying to be an auditor by being someone fireable?
I’ve made long term decisions which I regret even though nothing bad came of them, these last 7 weeks would be everything that I think is ‘bad’
Am I just whining like a baby?
Or is there actually something special happening here? REALLY doesn’t fucking feel like it! So why do I not change? Because I don’t want to, I don’t want to change you arsehole, I don’t want to go back to what we were, I’m happy to fail you prick just to not go back to what I had to do over the winter, LIES, I’d happily do that shit again too, I’m just intrigued and that’s all, I want to know what would happen if I just fucked around, I need to know the consequences, I have to know what happens if I did nothing at all, I need to see where the limits are, I always push to see where the extreme limits are.
NOT entirely true^ but to swing hard in one way for 2 years and then to swing back isn’t always the case but it sure does feel like a good excuse to not do any ‘work’. Balance does seem like a decent excuse to just not do shit for a while, but still get paid.
Honour.^ Where is the pride and the joy gone? This is not how Kyuojoru would act, maybe he would leave maybe he would stay, but he would never do this, so why do I stay? Am I just a coward, do I want to audit lazy style?
Why do I just sit here and not try to excel?
I wish to be excellent to piss others off, but I think to be an excellent auditor would require too much sacrifice. But it is the only thing I want to excel at, sugar, youtube and alcohol can all suck it if you ask me, I want to excel, this is me excelling you cunt …
I wonder what the path to being a master actually involves, could this possibly be a page in the books of any of the masters. I like the idea of being a master at something I hate more than being a master at something I love, I don’t have time to love something, I need to dominate something, I need something to crush, I don’t care for love joy and excellence right, pain, confusion and anguish seem to be the only thing that make me feel whole right now, these are what I need right now. Right now I love pain, suffering and anguish, everything else can suck it, I deserve pain, suffering and anguish, I deserve to be punished for what I’ve done, I don’t get to have a good life, I don’t get to be happy.
So why try so hard to kill that feeling^ I guess I don’t really believe it, I guess I’m just running around my own head, I like the idea of being at peace so I’m doing what I think I need to do to be at peace, I’m sorry, sue me.