“When somebody hates your very existence, you can see it in their eyes.” Naruto grew up with everyone hating his very being, I am now in a home where I see it in their eyes, I see it in the eyes of every family member I sit with. A deep resentment for what I’ve done.
A deep hatred for what I put my father through, a deep anger for being someone so hateful, a shame at my very existence. When I’m with them I feel this too, I see the shame that comes across in them. I see how their lack of excitement means something to the people we sit with, they don’t know the details but they understand, I am not someone to show to others, my very being is insulting to them, my life is their shame, I am a failure, I am the first pancake.
Unable to take anything seriously, never letting anything stop me from trying to make a bad joke always letting people down, purposefully and often sincerely avoiding expectations, afraid of ever being excellent in case they ever felt proud of me, in case I ever had to hate myself even more for failing, that’s how they see me and how I see myself.
There are times when I don’t. There are times when I end up writing and it really makes me feel good, there are exams I’ve taken and I know the revision I did, I understand the sheer efficiency in me, I see how I great I did, but they never see, they never see it, my uncles and aunties never truly see it.
My mother and my father seem to have no desire to change the way they see their son, they just let it go, let it be, never wrestling with it head on. Is this a wisdom or was I wrong to try so hard to make things different? I still don’t know to be honest. Maybe this is them trying maybe this is me letting life be, I don’t know but to me it really feels like they’re just idiots, not in skill or intelligence, I just see people who waste away their days, who no longer have the energy to ever even feel, they don’t have the time, they have built up their walls and now they are safe so why ever change, why ever feel when feeling hurt them so much, when feeling brought them so far down, when believing in me was such a let down, why would anyone want to believe again, why would anyone want to see me smile ever again. This is the home I sit in now, the home I came back and will not leave, this is the home I am in and cannot leave, I am not giving up yet, not because of Anime, not because I have to believe, I just haven’t given up yet, that’s all there is to it man, what can I say :)