Why was I always so afraid to be away from my mum?
Why have I always been so drawn to something that’s something else?
Why have I always looked forward to there being something else?
Why have I always needed to run away?
Why is it only when I’m with food that I can forget and be still?
Why is every other moment a reason to get away?
Why did I drink so much?
Why would I never say no?
What was I running away from?
Why do I always say fuck it?
Why am I looking to hurt myself?
Why dive straight into reality so much?
Why do I have to speed so much?
Why do I have to get so much attention with my car?
Why is it that every time I fuck about?
Why has it never been enough?
Why do I need to laugh and cry so much?
Why is it never enough?
Why do I never commit to anything that I think will make it enough?
Is right now enough?
…..
Can it ever be enough?
What is enough?
Am i good enough?
Was it ever not good enough?
Will I ever be enou….
I think my mum and dad were a little vexed when I was 1. I think they might of been a little fighty fighty and a little shouty shouty, I think they weren’t really that happy from day 1. Man, lol, LOL, I think they were a little mad and I think till now I was a little freaked out by all the mad mad mad, people are so people man, lol, I literally just think shit was a little tough for me when I was 1, I think, right, life was a little loud up in SA motors back when I was 1, lol. That might be why mama never goes back, lol, I think my dad might of hit my mum, or dude someone was mad at some point :O, this is lol. This is a lot of congecture but I don’t know man, what if I was just bugging out a little man, :)
Well, puuufffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff, fuck it, lets write about it man.
Imagine a super hot babe right but not like anything that’s on trending right, like a girl that could easily be on trending right, and she does post on instagram right but subtly there’s always been a no no to playing the algorithm, just things are always just a bit a head of the algorithm or a little different so you never quite get the big pop, but when you see it then there’s really no explaining it. Imagine that. For me that’s dark and light hazel nut locks, a little lighter in the light but you really get lost in it at night right. You don’t really ever get to see her eyes that often and when you do they always slip you so that when you fall in love into them again there’s something always breezy about them, her hair is neither short nor long right, it’s whispy and it’s fun but there’s a woodland vibe to it all that you can never let go of, she talks about opening up a little bicycle store somewhere in a little town out by the coast, she makes a little supplementary income here or there with some teaching work, she can’t explain why she falls for you but she’s equally lost and confused by you, there’s no talk of making things ‘right’ you are both just lost.
And now we’re gonna write about the guy she’s in love with, it’s gonna get a little geh but so is your admiration of wrestling or sports so suck it.
She’s in love with a guy right and this is a utter fuck boi in many regards, they fight a lot about it. He isn’t really that awesome a guy, he doesn’t always have that much money coming in but boy can he work when he needs to, boy does he shift when he’s in love, she’s seen it and she has no idea how to tame it. They broke up for a little bit, they fought a lot but she really could never stop thinking about him. She would bring him in with her cooking, utterly dumb cooking, she cooked like his mum, none of it ever made any sense but these are the meals that make him pause when recalled. Her stupid seafood pasta, her shitty chicken corma, the worst burgers you’ve ever thought of. They make no sense and he hated seeing them but man, was he in silent tears at the idea of never being around them, food was never the same after them.
These are 2 masterful souls just a little lost in the world. Now the question is, do I know anyone who died having things left unsaid, always, do I know anyone who died well, not really. Do I know anyone who died with his children by his side, no. Do I know anyone who died at peace. Do I know anyone who made it. I’ve heard tales of a great few, but I don’t know anyone who’s parents died and they were able to answer all the necessary and important questions left to them. Why should this couple end well. Even Rachael in the notebook had a pretty rough go of it, is that really the fate of all that which is important, are there no more good deaths, are there no more truly special unions anymore, what do I see/not see? Why should I try to ‘figure out’ and ‘fix’ what is ‘broken’ ? Why won’t nature move on her own accord as she has and is doing so now??
These are 2 masterful souls utterly lost in our world, their friends are all without mission and purpose, they desire for their families to be free of ill thinking, they believe in a more beautiful upbringing, the one promised to them when they were conceived, the one they’ve read about and were blessed with enough good times that they never need not believe, this reality right now is not what they believe to be real and a desire to trickle down their site to others has come to them, there’s nothing they can do about it.
Alright they say, our friends are super gifted and super talented, some of them are alone and you and I are here together, that’s an issue, our families are sad and you and I are here happy, that’s an issue, there cannot be a direct attack otherwise art would have done the work for them, there must be a subtle nudging unbeknownced to all and possibly ourselvess? there must be at least a few moments when we are lost… GOT IT, we must become pros first, we must understand what it is to be true first then the truth shall shine upon them, okay! the truth, okay, let’s do it! So the man goes on to his laptop and starts to write, the lady is at her crafts table and begins to build models, they keep on creating until they start to garner some attention, all this is done as they work the complex world of lawyering and accounting, open to it all never denying any one thing, but staying true and exploring what matters when it all counts, this is their life now and they are to take control, the truth shall be known.
Time is spent and there has never been truer fighting between the two, these aren’t little spats that a child may have these are truly contentious issues regarding the fabric of reality and the fears of being human in this society, the two are truly afraid and on a roller coaster, they spend time apart and they spend time in heaven together. They starved and got ill together until finally they were 35 and 39 years old and finally they were able to pay for their bills and travels through freedom alone. Writing, creating, accounting, teaching and advising, they are winging it, surfing upon the air and the breeze has never smelt so beautiful. They’re friends and family half tingled half afraid, the pair truly don’t care anymore, they’re in love with their own reality, together or a part, this was the first family to be free in a long long time, you should see how good the kids are at skateboarding it’s truly something to behold :).