I don’t know man, everywhere I’ve been whether planned or not ended up having something great happen and I’m sure leaving work would have a similar effect also. But I’m also 100% staying at work will lead to a great thing also. I’m 100% sure that something magical is around any corner. I’m worried that this time there won’t be one at work though. Because of the stories I’ve heard and the feelings I’ve got in me. I’ve had naive thoughts that I can make anything fun if I just put my heart into, that the smile can be around any corner at any time if you just let yourself believe in it. But I’ve heard of friends who weren’t able to make it fun and I’m scared. I enjoyed my client work a little it was alright, but what if I was just lucky. I’m really scared of the long hours and being shouted at and being forced to grind, I’m scared of having to say no to good food and pigging out uncontrollably afterwards. Writing should be more fun afterwards though. So I just don’t know because I’m pigging out now and its just not good. I fucking hate that there’s no alternative to revision other than quitting right now, this is such a dick move.
I do want to stay at work, I just can’t stay if I don’t change something big first. I need something to change if I’m going to make it here and I don’t know what.
I think of who I was before, I think of Jocko and Peterson and their tales of tragedy. But then I think of Kapil and Naval and their tales of bliss and freedom. Both sides talk of a secret joy, but one talks about trusting your heart and the other your mind. Both require a balance of the two but they approach it from different sides. I’ve tried both now and I have no idea which one I’d prefer. The left hand or the right hand. It is the right hand path but oh my god I just don’t wanna take the jump. I’m so afraid of taking the jump, this is years and years of the same old shit. I don’t want to make myself read those books I’m fucking angry, I’m fucking livid that work made me read those books I’m actually pissed the fuck off man. I want the bliss of the left hand and pride of the right hand. I don’t want to be rude to others but I don’t want to lie to myself either. This is the same old shit for years now. Always staying quiet and not saying the blissful honesty about people I don’t get, I want to be with them, I want them to have fun but they get so vexed when I turn off the filter. It sends them into a dark room to think about what they’ve done and who they are.
I want to fuck my family, I want to fuck em, I keep telling myself to fuck em and imagine myself walking down an old dirt road. Alone, in flannel. I want to do that, but I know there’ll be a call. They’ll call and I won’t be able to stop myself from spinning. If they won’t, eventually I will and the demons will be there again. I can’t just run from this all, I’m hooked. I’m in love with the idea of killing this religion, I want to be the one who tares it all down, I’m just done, keep the community but fuck off man you have no idea what you’re talking about, your lives are not the wonder and the magic that I was told of when I grew up man. You do not weep to the heavens, you are not lost and confused like most men should be. You sit there and you smile, you laugh and you cry but you are so in love that you cannot set yourself free. You love me too much man, you need to see the truth please, I think it’s okay to let the young ones die occasionally, I’m not saying your feelings on the matter are something wrong, but your words on the matter make no sense man, they make no sense man, how can you just sit there like I used and say shit without any of it making any sense man, it makes no sense man, your religion doesn’t make any sense man, nothing you do makes any goddamn sense man, no group seems to have the answer, it’s all a fucking show.
It’s okay to say shit that makes no sense but you will be confused afterwards. If you want to be less confused you have stop saying shit that makes no sense and let it all out.
What do you think is true!
I DONT KNOW.
LIAR. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS TRUE YOU UTTER FUCK
I DONT WANT TO SAY IT. I HATE MY MUM MAN I HATE HER AND I HATE MY DAD AND MY BROTHER AND FARHAN AND QASIM AND USMAN I HATE EVERY RELIGIOUS PERSON EVER MAN I HATE THEM ALL I JUST DONT GET IT I DONT GET IT I DONT GET IT MAN I DONT GET HOW ANYONE CAN JUST SIT THERE AND SAY THAT THEY KNOW THEY BELIEVE IN SOME SHIT MAN. I DONT GET HOW ANYONE CAN JUST SIT THERE AND SPOUT SOME WILD SHIT AND BE LIKE YEP THESE WORDS ARE A MAP TO REALITY AND I NEVER NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING AGAIN. NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE ALL I HAVE TO DO IS THIS SHIT THEN NOTHING ELSE MATTERS EVER AGAIN. ALL MY HATE AND ALL MY DRAMA ITS NOT REAL, ALL THOSE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS ABOUT MY PARENTS THEY AREN’T REAL, I NEVER HAVE TO FIGHT THOSE DEMONS EVER AGAIN BECAUSE OF RELIGION THOSE ARE THE WORLDS DEMONS AND I DONT HAVE TO FIGHT THAT DRAGON BECAUSE IM RELIGIOUS AND IM JUST GOING TO RUN OFF AND DO THIS. IM JUST GOING TO IGNORE THAT PROBLEM BECAUSE IT HURTS ME TOO MUCH, IT HURTS ME WAY TOO MUCH TO EVER LOOK AT THAT DRAGON, THAT DRAGON HAS JUST GOTTEN TOO BIG NOW MAN AND I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TAKE IT ON. I DONT GET HOW SOMEONE CAN EVER BE THAT BROKEN THAT IT FEELS SO GOOD TO FINALLY GET AWAY FROM ALL THAT BOTHERED THEM THAT MUCH AND JUST LET THEM CURL UP INTO A BALL OF PHYSCHOSIS PRAYING THAT IT’LL ALL JUST BE OVER MAN. THAT THE HURT IS GOING to be over soon and that they’re tapping out, too scared to deal with it all and they’re just going to let everything fall beneath by the way side now, rather than dealing with any of the actual trauma they’re just going to bare it as much as they can and protect their children from everything possible so that maybe one day, the child will be able to save themselves one day. And here I sit jealous and angry in my own wants, I’m sorry mum.
So what is the truth, do you wish to stay at work Mo.
Yes.