Another day to not do any work, another day to ‘waste’. Another day which would disappoint my mother, my father, my employer, my friends. My dad would show me the most sympathy, he would truly say its okay son and feed me till the day I die. My mother has a less forgiving nature about her which can burn a little sometimes, just little less wiggle room. I don’t know how my employer would feel about this, I don’t wish to construct a lie, I don’t know how I’m going to be as an auditor, I’m sorry. My friends make me the most nervous, for a group of people who’ve never really done anything to hurt me I’m pretty afraid of their judgements, of their disapproval. I keep saying it’d break my heart if they found out who I really was and hated me but in the end I know I’d just move passed that too, not that I wouldn’t try to come back to them but I wouldn’t change all that much for them either.
I say that I’m sat here doing ‘nothing’ because of Naval and Kapil. Because they talk about the myth of hardwork, the unatural nature of man to sell himself into slavery so that he can earn money and keep up with the Joneses. I don’t learn how to properly spell or punctuate because it’s ‘art’ — I just don’t wanna know, I like this way of writing in an indulgent kinda way to be honest. I say that I should be free, I should wake up with an excitement to work and if not I should stay in bed. I say that I should just trust my natural nature to want to eat, to want to do something great and the natural societal impulse to spend money on what is good. I say there is no need to worry or to panic but I desperately try to fit life around becoming an accountant. I desperately don’t want to have a shit time at work over the next 2 years, I deeply and desperately don’t want to have a shit time at work over the next few days man. I deeply don’t want to have a shit time over the next few years, I can get a little nuts with things like that, I know I’d get in my own way if that kinda stuff happened. I’d lie and keep people from me and I say I’ll move on once I’m qualified but how many years will it take to work myself out of that poison man, I don’t know how wretched it’ll be and I never wanna betray myself so hard that I never get over it again, or worse end up delaying the inevitable and paying much much more for it, even right now I can barely accept the idea of not being at a big time job with a trajectory. I don’t want to tell people I’m not in a place that they dream of, I don’t want to tell people that I’m in a place where I can have fun and I just work on my craft and I wait for society to pay me my due, I don’t want to tell people that I’m happy in some outdoor activities based job trying to sell our services, I don’t want to struggle for something that I actually care about, I don’t want to bring my greed and anger and disdain into something good and ruin it after 2 years only to start again. I don’t want to tell people that I’m having to start again man. At least the fantasy is pure and shattering that feels uncomfortable.
So here I am, sat down, typing away, thinking about sharing this with friends. My mind working an angle to see if there’s any option to get paid. Nothing right now. But in the back of my head I know being paid to write wouldn’t fix anything either, it’s one problem for another batch, I’ll always have something to latch on to. So I consider the effortless stoics, the practical Buddhists, the Sufis and the happy entrepreneurs. These mysterious men who claim to be at peace, these men who say they feel equanimity because they’ve understood the truth, the truth about reality, the universal truths shared by all men who understand. They claim that I need not be so emotional, they claim that I need not think about my friends and self-image so much, they claim that the buzz of feeling respected is fleeting as is everything, that man will always be perusing until he is no longer so desperate, until he sees that there is nothing that will ever give him ever last happiness, that happiness is his natural state.
They claim that man can spend his whole life eating berries because that’s ‘normal’ and always be crashing from a sugar rush, or he can go out and learn to farm and hunt, he can have fibre, meat, sustenance, nutrition that satiates and leaves him in a bliss drifting off into the heavens. They say that this is the same for love, same for work, same for money and art and all of it, there are sugars and there is sustenance. I as a child was able to feel great on sugar and not care, now sugar feels like utter crap, I wish for the finer things in life, I wish for rich cocoa the finest creams and deserts, I wish for tea brewed with the wisdom of 9000 generations, I wish for a home which will last a life time. I wish for friendship that has more meaning now. I still wish for twinkies, but now it is no longer the twink I desire, it is the old feeling, the old bliss, but the game has changed. I need to rest now and recharge and enjoy the process. The trips to the beach can’t be forced they must be new and exploring, not hunting for those old feelings, wasn’t the destination, was the desperate desire for something new. But deep down I know all these treats shall not do a thing until I can find that understanding I had as a kid, if I had that maybe I could still enjoy a twinky today.