Why aren’t I listening to my lectures right now?
Because it’s more fun to sit down and think through my shit.
What is your shit?
Everything which makes me uncomfortable.
What is making you uncomfortable right now?
How certain women make me reflexively feel and think. My parents and Faizan will be inconvenienced by my choice of woman. They will be asked ‘why?’ by others which will make them uncomfortable, I wanted to be good enough to not have them deal with this. They have shit to deal with. And our families habit is to try to bury too much shit but I doubt it’ll work. Their children will bring it out of them and mine gets in the way of me getting the feeling I have when I’m Great (in the truly pure sense of the word)
Why do I feel bad for not listening to my lecture?
It’s what “good” boys do right? Good boys listen. I haven’t been able to figure out how to listen. I don’t like the way I learn, no understanding, no ability to play. I’m scared of the feeling of doing the right thing right now. I spit on the idea of doing the ‘right’ thing even that which I know is right and will bring me peace (I’m confused). This hell puts my mother and father in hell and I don’t like it. I’m also afraid it isn’t true, that I’ll just be ‘good’ but actually just listen to others and ruin my life from fear of listening to my inner voice, too trusting of others and afraid to be hated for being different. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.
I know that there’s a way to listen and understand. I was tired and I don’t want to be. But I haven’t figured out how and this is my last chance to listen, to find a way to follow the norm but still be different. There’s a more beautiful way to learn than to say fuck the lectures and cram it all in the end, even to learn that which doesn’t excite you. There’s a way to not say fuck the system but still not get fucked by the system.
Ease in and out of it like a pro. Could’ve been fun to be this pro. Still got one shot to make it count though.
So why aren’t you listening to your lectures?
I’m dealing with my personal shit as much as I can and just doing what I need to do to pass my exams. This personal shit is important to me right now. I really think it is an unanalysed man who hits his wife, who ignores her, who hurts her. I think its the man who never sat with his demons who cannot be at peace with his children. And I’m working through this shit now because I want to and I’m afraid of using work to ignore my feelings. I’m afraid of repeating my fathers mistakes. I’m afraid of falling into false beliefs and repeating the mistakes of my mother. I’m sorry I failed my exams, it was important to me to pass I only did what I did so that I could be great. Sorry.
So why dyou feel bad?
I really want people to be in awe of me and I don’t think this’ll get awe. :). Awe seemed like the least possible thing that I should aim for. Because its the best. Now it feels weird not aiming for Awe anymore. I guess I’ll aim for ‘IT’ and consider another approach rather than just hunt. Aim to attract rather than attack.